Answer? These guys:
After three years of love, it was time to throw our apartment back into the sea to find another (or, more accurately, our landlord was way overextended and needed to sell our apartment for ca$h!). So, after an exhaustive search of every available apartment within a 200 yard radius, we moved a few doors down.
Turns out that while we upgraded our square footage, it went directly into wider hallways, an extra bathroom, and a "breakfast nook". We don't need a breakfast nook.
By the way, anybody need a second bedroom set?